


Serpangst

by grandiosForjury



Category: Homestuck, Vast Error
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Projecting onto Serpaz Helilo, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22211119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandiosForjury/pseuds/grandiosForjury
Summary: Serpaz and Laivan have a fight, and without Lefty, it leaves Serpaz with a shitshow of emotions that she'll need to deal with on her own. Of course, this doesn't mean she always has to be alone, so she seeks help from none other than her friend Albion.
Relationships: Laivan Ferroo/Serpaz Helilo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16





	Serpangst

Your name is SERPAZ HELILO and you are throwing a fit. Well, no, at this point you’ve run out of things to throw, abstract or otherwise. Maybe all that’s left is up. But you are _not_ throwing up, you tell yourself firmly, with all your remaining strength.

You sit in the corner of your respiteblock. You feel limp. You feel dead. The exhaustion from your mind runs down to the rest of your body. The flow of this stream seems endless, but you don’t think you have enough energy to even care. Right now you just wish everything would end.

When you open your eyes, you see nothing. You are enveloped by darkness, and by a thin blanket of drowsiness. How long were you out? You try to move. Slowly, strength returns to your leg, and then your arms. You put your forearm against the wall and limp to one of your desks.

You sit down, and… nothing. You don’t do anything. You do nothing for quite a while before you realize it. What were you thinking about? You don’t remember. Everything is confusing and everything is too much. You try to remember something else. What happened last night?

Your stomach sinks. Oh, right. You got into a fight with your matesprit. You have never gotten into a fight with him before. There were moments of discomfort but not to this degree. You are very angry, and very sad, and very sorry. But most of all you are lost.

Instinctively, you wait for the warm pressing of fur against your back. She would always make you feel better. But nothing happens. She isn’t here with you, and she can’t help you this time. You need to go through this on your own.

Tears begin to form in your eyes, and a sharp pain pinches the inside of your nose. What does that mean? For you to go through it alone? What does that say about you? You have never been strong enough. You aren’t prepared for this. You can’t go through this alone. This is it, Serpaz, you tell yourself. It’s the end of the world. It’s the end of you.

You long for a miracle. For a moment, a surge of adrenaline rushed through your body and you feel ready to seize the miracle. To make things perfect again. To have things go your way. But it quickly fades and leaves you crying once again into your hands. Lefty, you call out. Lefty, please help me. Someone, please help me.

You can’t take this anymore. Why are you sad? Why are you suffering? Is it fair that you have been made to go through this? To someone like you, who never had to linger on a sad moment for all of her life? Someone like you who can’t. Who can’t. Who can’t. Who can’t. Who can’t. Who can’t. Who can’t.

You stop yourself before you go crazy. No, no one is losing themself in this house. Maybe relax? You tell yourself to stop thinking. Stop! Save your breath. Save your brain cells. Save yourself. Breathe. You snatch your laptop, the only thing remaining intact on your desk after your little tantrum, and log on to Skorpe. You set your online status to INCOGNIZABLE, and browse your list of friends. You need to talk to someone, but who?

You remember that one of your friends is actually the go-to therapist of your group, although you haven't spoken to her in a while. You stare at your previous chat logs as you try to gain the courage to start a conversation. It feels quite embarrassing to now only talk to her when you need something. You feel like a parasite. The thought holds you back for a while but your brain thinks it’s pretty stupid to linger, and urges you to type away. You need this, goddammit. No more Miss Niceandfairguy. Miss Niceandfairguy is dead. You killed her. You killed her like the bloody bitch you are. Yeah that’s right.

You feel a surge of confidence from your entertaining little monologue.

...

And then you cry again.

\-- pliableDecadence [PD] began trolling demiurgeQuantified [DQ] --  
  
PD: heyyyyy albion  
PD: long time no talk!!!!  
PD: ummm  
PD: are you busy?  
PD: i kinda need someone to talk to  
DQ: *hello*serpaz*  
PD: i know it sounds weird but lefty isnt here right now and im feeling kind of lost  
PD: oh hello!!!  
DQ: *i*always*make*time*for*my*friends*.  
DQ: *what*is*it*that*you*want*to*talk*about*  
DQ: *let*it*all*out*.  
DQ: *i*am*here*to*listen*.  


You ponder for a while as you think of what to say. But nothing comes to mind. You know you are in distress. You _kind of_ know what’s going on. But it’s all so... _blurry_. You feel as though it would be easiest to tell this story from the start, but the thought of how it began feels like another slap to the face. You can’t even complete this thought without reeling from the pain and lose the memory once more. You are completely at a loss. With cold and slow fingers, you type.

**PD: truth is, i dont really know how to put it**  
**PD: but i guess i'll start with the gist of it all**  
**PD: laivan and i had a fight**  
**PD: and**  
**PD: i guess thats all there is to it??**

You tell her that’s all there is for the sake of just getting it out already. That’s not enough though, is it? That’s not the only reason you came here. You clench the screen of your laptop as you anxiously wait for her reply.

DQ: *i*am*so*sorry*to*hear*that*  
DQ: *the*two*of*you*don’t*come*off*as*conflict*types*

Why is this somehow making you feel worse? Not that Albion isn’t doing a spectacular job at emphasizing how unnatural and therefore apocalyptic your situation is (which is a totally healthy and non-overdramatic connection to make, in your opinion), but you still feel as though this conversation isn’t quite going the way you wanted it to. Of course, what you want to get out of this conversation is not something that you are consciously aware of, and the same goes for this thought process. You type away on your computer.

**PD: we aren't**  
**PD: we have had minor arguments in the past but none as emotionally taxing as this**  
**PD: i dont know what to do**  
**PD: but more importantly, i dont know how to deal**  
DQ: *how*is*this*making*you*feel*?

You feel your blood rush into your head.

**PD: bad!!!!**

You get slightly annoyed at Albion. You don’t really know what it is that she is supposed to do, but you came to her expecting some kind of miracle to make you feel better. But where is that miracle? Why don’t you feel good right away? Is it really necessary to go over thoughts that only make you feel bad?

DQ: *do*you*think*laivan*feels*the*same*way*?  
DQ: *do*you*feel*angry*or*sad*or*guilty*about*what*happened*?  
**PD: i dont know**  
**PD: maybe**  
**PD: at first i was furious but it didnt turn from anger into sadness or guilt**  
**PD: its kind of like**  
**PD: everything at the same time**   
DQ: *it’s*okay*to*feel*that*way*  
DQ: *laivan*probably*does*too*.  
DQ: *at*the*end*of*the*day*  
DQ: *he*still*loves*you*very*much*.

That sentence takes you aback, and you begin to tear up again. It’s not that you don’t think it’s true, but it’s a very difficult thought to consider right now. Are you seriously supposed to tell yourself to just calm down and relax, after something that is severely distressing? It feels wrong to prioritize your own feelings above the more concrete realities of your fight with your dearly beloved. You don’t think you deserve to be comforted. You don’t think you deserve to not suffer.

DQ: *serpaz*?  
DQ: *you*still*there*?

A part of you wants to rest easy and just believe in what is probably the truth - that your coupled matesprit isn’t falling apart with you any time soon. But it’s not something that’s easy to believe. Your body is physically rejecting the truth. It doesn’t even make sense for you to call it truth if you have yet to accept it. But...

**PD: yes im here**  
**PD: i know that**   
DQ: *if*you’re*concerned*about*your*relationship*with*laivan*  
DQ: *you*don’t*have*to*be*  
DQ: *however*your*feelings*are*understandable*.  
DQ: *arguments*are*very*difficult*  
DQ: *especially*if *it’s*with*quadrantmates*.  
DQ: *you*can*talk*about*your*feelings*in*detail*if*you*wish  
DQ: *maybe*i*can*teach*you*ways*on*how*to*understand*and*even*manage*them*if*applicable*  
DQ: *but*my*mission*first*and*foremost*is*to*offer*a*lending*ear*  
**PD: thank you albion**  
DQ: *please*don’t*hesitate*to*let*it*all*out*.  
**PD: i really appreciate your support**  
**PD: but i dont even know how to talk about my feelings**  
**PD: i never had to**  
**PD: whenever i get close to how down in the dumps i am feeling right now**  
**PD: lefty would always be there for me**  
**PD: no words had to be said**  
DQ: *it*sounds*like*you*love*your*lusus*very*much*  
**PD: i do!!!**  
**PD: she’s the best**  
**PD: but**  
**PD: you know**   
DQ: *something*like*this*is*bound*to*happen*eventually*  
DQ: *although*it*was*great*when*you*could*depend*on*someone*in*times*of*need  
DQ: *you*also*need*to*learn*how*to*stand*on*your*own*two*feet*  
DQ: *erm*  
DQ: *on*one*of*them*at*least*  
**PD: (|:P**   
DQ: *hee*hee*  
**PD: then it looks like i'm going to need bigger clutches!!!**   
DQ: *consider*this*a*learning*experience*  
**PD: it doesnt feel like a learning experience i wanna do (|:(**   
DQ: *the*universe*won’t*care*if*you*want*to*or*not*.  
**PD: well**  
**PD: maybe i dont care about the universe either!!!!!**  
DQ: *don’t*make*it*mad*  
**PD: maybe it’s unfair!!!**  
**PD: maybe it’s impossible!!!!!!!!**  
**PD: but anything beyond this also seems impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!**  
**PD: i cant ignore shit anymore**  
**PD: but i have to**   
DQ: *serpaz*O_O*  
DQ: *i'm*afraid*i*don’t*understand*what*you’re*saying*  
**PD: ME NEITHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1**

Okay, you think you're leaving Albion out of the conversation here. You even think you're leaving yourself out as well. Your emotions are pushing your thoughts faster than your mind can decipher, and maybe the best course of action is to--

DQ: *please*calm*down*  
**PD: i am calm**   
DQ: *okay*…  
**PD: i cant**  
**PD: i cant understand myself either**  
**PD: or maybe**  
**PD: maybe i just refuse to**  
**PD: because at the back of my mind, i know what understanding would drive me to do**

Fear and uncertainty is keeping you from reason. Although it's probably more fair to say that stubbornness is what's keeping you here. You don't want to be accountable and responsible for yourself. Oops, did you just think that out loud?

DQ: *you*need*to*understand*that*being*honest*with*yourself*is*always*the*first*step*.  
DQ: *you*cannot*sort*out*your*needs*if*you*keep*pushing*your*inner*thoughts*aside*  
DQ: *they*represent*what*you*truly*want*  
DQ: *and*what*you*truly*need*to*do*in*order*to*become*truly*happy*.

You think the world is unfair for bringing you into existence with your circumstances. You think the world is unfair that now you have to suffer just to escape these circumstances that have only been made worse. You think the world should be accountable for what it did to you.

DQ: *serpaz*?

But the world doesn't owe you anything. You can only work around it, and seek to improve yourself so you can be stronger.

**PD: yes, albion, i'm still here**  
**PD: thank you for saying that**  
**PD: truly**  
**PD: i will try to consider it**   
DQ: *whatever*it*is*that*you*decide*to*do*  
DQ: *you*have*my*support*  
**PD: even if it’s illegal?**  
DQ: *what*  
PD: just kidding (|:)   
DQ: *:)*

The conversation calms you down a little. Is this what the kids these days call “venting”? You make a mental note to do this more often, although it should be made known that your mental notes are more akin to scribbles in the sand right before the tide comes to wash them away. But it doesn’t matter. You feel much less restless now. Still empty, but at least you aren’t pacing around the room and picking all of your hair out.

You mindlessly walk towards the window. The soft gleam from your laptop guides you there, and with careless hands you push the curtains aside.

**SERPAZ: OW!!!!!!**

Stupid, you think to yourself. It takes your eyes a while to recover from the blinding sunlight. While your eyes are closed, an orange speck haunts your empty vision. This gives you massive headaches, and you audibly snort.

And then, you begin to cry.

At this point in time, after that series of events, you’d expect that someone would miraculously come to your rescue. Lefty, a friend, and maybe your matesprit himself. Just as you are about to give up hope, a ding or a knock would take you back to your senses, and beyond those sounds, a comforting embrace. You swear you saw this in the movies once. Except this isn’t a movie, and it doesn’t happen.

So you stay there, sobbing and snorting, one hand on the window sill and the other on your chest. You continue to anticipate that miracle, but by each passing second you get more and more disappointed, and feel more and more pathetic. You are overwhelmed with a dreadful pity, self-pity, and you hate yourself for it. But just as your headache shows itself out, you open your eyes and see a blurry image of the world outside.

You blink, causing your prismic tears to fall down your face and drip from your chin. You don’t care to wipe any of it off; the sight before you entrances you. Not that it’s particularly all that beautiful; you have lived here all your life, after all. But still, the serenity of a quiet neighborhood basking in the red dusk captures you.

You stay that way for a few moments. Not a single thought occurs in your mind. And when you return to your senses, you smile at what you see.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I've been writing this since February 2019, and took month-long breaks in between writing because this piece meant so much to me. I see myself a lot in Serpaz (and in Laivan too), and so I poured much of my heart and soul into this. This is a very personal piece; it also serves as a glimpse into my mind, although I doubt that's what you came here for. It's also very messy, which I actually dislike in writing. I don't think the theme is very consistent throughout the story, or that the Serpaz's thoughts which drive these events follow a logical flow, but this is exactly what happens when one (or at least I) is overwhelmed by many emotions. Or you could also say that I'm just a messy writer and had a hard time grasping the themes myself. You decide.
> 
> I also made the fic art in a rush as I was excited to finish this fic once and for all. I promise I make better art. Check out my Twitter yo (I have the same username)
> 
> I would also like to thank [hamifihekrix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamifihekrix) (proofread + ao3 site help) and [LuarRosa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuarRosa) (ao3 site help) for helping me with this fic! Please check out their fics as well, they are wonderful writers!


End file.
